I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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