Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
