i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
