Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
