I'm drive I can fine osifer
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
