i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
