I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
