people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
