she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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