Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
