My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
