I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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