you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
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We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
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First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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