I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
