They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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