I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
