somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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