you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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