as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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