sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
