This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
