If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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