Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
