I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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