The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
