I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
