he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
