I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Oh god it's open bar.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
