just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
