It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
