i permit you to call me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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