i permit you to call me
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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