A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
