I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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