matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
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