I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
