if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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