as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just blew my weed a kiss
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
