just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
