I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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