I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
