between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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