dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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