Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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