you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
