I accidentally had phone sex last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize