Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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