I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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