return my video game
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
