I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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