It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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