I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
