we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
