and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
