I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
