I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
